its 11.30pm period

i am at sara's house trying to squeeze the last bits of acc into my head

so this is my life now- study... study... study


everyone says i am very emo nowadays

now that i think of it... yeah i get very upset easily... its ironic cos i am supposed to feel better as a person now

ye i am feeling better spiritually.. maybe the humanly side of me is still struggling to accept that i have to give up the material and emotional wants in life

Its hard- the struggle with dettaching yourself from society, affirming yourself that god will provide
easily said... but its so hard to take the 1st step forward.

Guess i am still struggling to find out who i am...

or who i want to be

either way...

i pray for the grace...

i pray for guidance

i pray for my heart to be broken, smashed into pieces, so that i can learn to be a child again

what is my identity

Again... i am struggling with this issue of who am i

caught a play at SMU today... wow... it rox to be a smu!! eloquent ENG speaking ppl... the CAPS were placed on purpose... cos i am deprived of that!
if its not for NBS.. i wldn't be at ah tiong Jurong university.*grumble grumble*

mind blowing... just these 2 words wld have not done the show any justice

A 1st play portraying a RS betw a muslim and a christian set the std of the production.

cross star lovers... who were torned apart by views of society, family and the inner struggle of wanting to fit into the norm

just as we say ," our father in heaven, holy be your name..." the muslims sings praises of god in their own ways. Why is it so diffcult for a couple to fall in love with each other. Easy as it may sound... its harder to be done.

Our first love is god... If one day you are caught in a situation to choose betw your first love and living with a girl who sweeps your feet off everyday, who adds surprises to your life...

who will you choose

the 3rd production on identity was sth we teenagers can all relate to. irony to the norms we are told to follow.

To be innovative when we are told to follow rules.
to suddenly confrom and work as a team when we were just spent 10 yrs old our life working for our own selfish goals in life.
wanting our whole life to be ourselves... which back fire and end up being someone else

"why can't you be like the rest of your class.. rest of the platoon... rest of your colleagues?"

"no i want to be myself" our inner voice shout out... i want to be special... i want to be a hero!"

and then there were scenarios we could now just laugh at. who can forget those hilarious moments in Sec sch when the teacher tries to humiliate you in front of the whole class in the hope that u will learn a painful lesson, which unknown to them left a scar in our lives?

or the time when we were young and innocent... blessed with a good guy and gal friend, 3 of us are so close... watch movies... mambo, count stars together. then the inevitable horror movies starts to play- 2 is a couple, 3= a couple and me without someone who loves me?

when we really have time with one of them, its really like taking away the food but the craving is still there when every other conversation links to the couple and you are suddenly non existent again

stop eating chocolate cake! too much is no good

you can have 2 answers to this dilemma

enforce the point that i want....

Or i can go for something else.

No its not easy

we who all longed for this "light", find it the hardest journey to make.

trying hard to be part of the 'in' crowd, responsibilities, commitments, so many events running concurrently in our lives which ironically only left us dis-illusioned, when we thought that by doing all these things, we will become happier people.

i yearn for acceptance, for being part of a group, not being called random, for not being viewed as weird. In the process, I lose sight of who i really am, who i really want to be.

so who do i really want to be?

a hero? a rockstar? a celebrity? accepted into heaven? enjoy the riches of eternity? who or what do i really want to be?

Our darkness delay and lengthen this journey from the mind to the heart. I am still seeking. i feel weak, vulnerable...

So, what is that language the heart requires? Faith, hope and love. And above all, love. If the reason to change is to love God more, the heart conforms and takes decisive actions. How do we speak such a language? We learn it from living with others... who are they... i guesss they are the community