its 11.30pm period

i am at sara's house trying to squeeze the last bits of acc into my head

so this is my life now- study... study... study


everyone says i am very emo nowadays

now that i think of it... yeah i get very upset easily... its ironic cos i am supposed to feel better as a person now

ye i am feeling better spiritually.. maybe the humanly side of me is still struggling to accept that i have to give up the material and emotional wants in life

Its hard- the struggle with dettaching yourself from society, affirming yourself that god will provide
easily said... but its so hard to take the 1st step forward.

Guess i am still struggling to find out who i am...

or who i want to be

either way...

i pray for the grace...

i pray for guidance

i pray for my heart to be broken, smashed into pieces, so that i can learn to be a child again

what is my identity

Again... i am struggling with this issue of who am i

caught a play at SMU today... wow... it rox to be a smu!! eloquent ENG speaking ppl... the CAPS were placed on purpose... cos i am deprived of that!
if its not for NBS.. i wldn't be at ah tiong Jurong university.*grumble grumble*

mind blowing... just these 2 words wld have not done the show any justice

A 1st play portraying a RS betw a muslim and a christian set the std of the production.

cross star lovers... who were torned apart by views of society, family and the inner struggle of wanting to fit into the norm

just as we say ," our father in heaven, holy be your name..." the muslims sings praises of god in their own ways. Why is it so diffcult for a couple to fall in love with each other. Easy as it may sound... its harder to be done.

Our first love is god... If one day you are caught in a situation to choose betw your first love and living with a girl who sweeps your feet off everyday, who adds surprises to your life...

who will you choose

the 3rd production on identity was sth we teenagers can all relate to. irony to the norms we are told to follow.

To be innovative when we are told to follow rules.
to suddenly confrom and work as a team when we were just spent 10 yrs old our life working for our own selfish goals in life.
wanting our whole life to be ourselves... which back fire and end up being someone else

"why can't you be like the rest of your class.. rest of the platoon... rest of your colleagues?"

"no i want to be myself" our inner voice shout out... i want to be special... i want to be a hero!"

and then there were scenarios we could now just laugh at. who can forget those hilarious moments in Sec sch when the teacher tries to humiliate you in front of the whole class in the hope that u will learn a painful lesson, which unknown to them left a scar in our lives?

or the time when we were young and innocent... blessed with a good guy and gal friend, 3 of us are so close... watch movies... mambo, count stars together. then the inevitable horror movies starts to play- 2 is a couple, 3= a couple and me without someone who loves me?

when we really have time with one of them, its really like taking away the food but the craving is still there when every other conversation links to the couple and you are suddenly non existent again

stop eating chocolate cake! too much is no good

you can have 2 answers to this dilemma

enforce the point that i want....

Or i can go for something else.

No its not easy

we who all longed for this "light", find it the hardest journey to make.

trying hard to be part of the 'in' crowd, responsibilities, commitments, so many events running concurrently in our lives which ironically only left us dis-illusioned, when we thought that by doing all these things, we will become happier people.

i yearn for acceptance, for being part of a group, not being called random, for not being viewed as weird. In the process, I lose sight of who i really am, who i really want to be.

so who do i really want to be?

a hero? a rockstar? a celebrity? accepted into heaven? enjoy the riches of eternity? who or what do i really want to be?

Our darkness delay and lengthen this journey from the mind to the heart. I am still seeking. i feel weak, vulnerable...

So, what is that language the heart requires? Faith, hope and love. And above all, love. If the reason to change is to love God more, the heart conforms and takes decisive actions. How do we speak such a language? We learn it from living with others... who are they... i guesss they are the community

A week of Turbulance

Hi

I wanna offer this prayer to all who have done wrong against me this week
As crazy as it seems, i wanna forgive them for all they have against me

my 2 splendid project groups who pang sei me this morn

The taxi driver who behave like he is the customer and i am the service provider

My nice tri mate who thinks everyone owes her a living

My hall ppl who did not even clap when i went on stage... is it just me or are they unappreciative?

pls bless their souls... forgive them for their sins

I thank you lord for bringing andrew back safely to singapore
for bringing rou wei and eunice in my life
the lots of fun with the triathlon family
my roomie randy who is close to you
for bringing me thru this week of turbulance, glad i survive
for always providing for me

I wanna shed a tear. I feel vexed, stretched out, lost.
I wanna cry but have no shoulder to lie on
i wish u can just be thr for me, tell me that everything is taken care of, and i do not have to worry cos u will always look after me
why is the world so uncaring? is it me or the world has faults which i cannot agree with
I wanna live a life with you lord. i really want. Take me away.

wat happens when

SOmeone tells you that he/she likes you b4,
drop a number of hints
but u nv tried the affrim it
hot and cold rs for 4 yrs,
she knows your IC and home address by heart

but nv got further than friends.

you can only go haiz if only...


its funny how the 3 of us-me, huili and sara end up in the same module together after so many yrs. looking forward to AA102 lectures now! esp cos the exam is on B day and I wanna make sure it will be a blast.

i forgot to bring my notes for bible classes today. Oh man! i will be losing out tonight

anyway yest reading was on lucifer
the greatest sin of all-pride.

everyone sins... it is only whether you admit it and entrust it to the lord.
when you feel you are more powerful than the divine forces and take things in your own hands, you believe u are sin free, that is the greatest sin

so is there a gauge for sins?
if pride is the greatest sin? who decides on the degree of each sin?
wi can only deduce that it goes back to the original pt that it is pride that causes one to believe he did not sin. Not admiting the sin due to pride is the greatest sin

Then the question is," Do I not admit to a sin because of pride?"

and in a broad sense," do we never stop pursuing things we want in our life due to pride?"

In an emotional perspective,
If one feels that he is weak, admits that he is weak, that he needs the lord's embrace, he will naturally turn to god. In contrast, if one feels that the future is in his own hands, does not acknowledge the lord as the way to the truth, he will naturally treat god as just a 2nd class citizen.

"I am only an earthen vessel
the graces within are not mine
for the love and the power and glory
belong to the savior divine"

The 12 apostles were told by our lord," Come, come follow me."

Imagine the thoughts in their mind when the state of fire was only a tiny spark.

Is he mad? one man challenging the ideology of the govt and the rest of world?
Is he the one, and only way?

He led his ministry... and many ministries continue after him.

If the apostles did not believe in him, did not persevere thru the blood shed and cynism, will we still be on our knees every other day,


Today... catholic history is illustrious... the beauty itself is a mystery for you and I. The only way to be part of the beauty is to have the hunger for christ itself

that comes with a price- giving up things precious to you like cycling, hanging out with friends. but wat is this sacrifice as compared to christ who gave his life for us.

New Yr day eve-new yr day

Wat did you do on New Yr eve?

i wasn't at a party, wasn't at home slping or any count down parade. I was at Church on New Yr eve.


i was kneeling, having on eyes on christ, as i said my last prayer of 2005, 1st prayer of 2006 ... the clock struck 12 and the choir started singing the familiar song of Au liem sai..

i really do hope for the gift of faith

wat will you associate christmas with

when one think of christmas, he thinks of the gifts he is bout to receive, the church choir, the ringing of bells

at christmas, love is in the air

Christmas season is the most beautiful time of the yr, christmas shd be everyday

2006 christmas was a special one for me, it was my first christmas as a catholic.

it was like star award night where everyone was dressed at their best.

(photos will be up soon)

at 11pm, SFX choir started the christmas pageant.
Gloria,
O Come all Ye Faithful
Joy to the World,
just to name a few

mass started at 11.30pm.
father gerard started the mass with us reflecting on the walk with christ since last christmas,
during the reflection, there was a beautiful sound of silence in the church
That solemn moment is sth much needed after the hustle and bustle since morning

we started singing gloria... and at 12am.. the chruch bells rang...that wil be 30 catholic church bells ringing in singapore

many of us teared as we hug each other and thank the lord for one another... and for him who saw us through another turbulent yr.

christmas is significant to all christians as it is the supposed birthday of Jesus. why supposed... cos his b day is actually in the mth of Mar.

It is not about just jesus's birthday itself, but it is the process which is impt to us.

-Mary, who listened to the word of the angel-Gabriel without asking why

-The 3 Maji, who travelled from Eygpt to bethlehem to witness the coming of the Mersiah

-The old shepherd, and farmers who climbed the hill to see the light which was shinning down into the merger

-How Jesus, was borned, not in riches, in warm clothings, but in rags and in a mager

-Mary and Joseph were not let into the houses, the house keeper would not have left the king in the cold

-he was the greatest gift to all of us, but this gift was wrapped in rags and not beautiful wrapping paper

Christmas is just the most beautiful time of the yr... when i was a child, when i am 21 yr of age.

I am a catholic

did a bit of clearing up just now in prep for the new yr.

wooHOO... feel so proud of myself.

threw away some of our insurance stuff... sieving through the pile of work.

oh well...
as i was looking back to a yr ago to now...

i just ponder over many many changes.

I am officially jobless...
a point of time i was really thinking of the possibility of bringing back 15K a mth from the job

i am officially not a competitive cyclist anymore
east coast park is of my calibre now

i am officially in the garage for an overhaul (which is good)
I trying to get away from my liberal lifestyle, trying to stop my smelly mouth from spouting nonsense


Mel chen shared with us her view on consistency today. how even though lawyers lead a liberal life out there... she knows her limit....
well, apparently a few mths back b4 i joined... the community had a severe arguement over individual's lifestyle.

well... it is an issue i have to deal with sooner or later... thru discernment... i decided to tell the grp bout my issue with consistency.

ye.. it was fun while it lasted... but i officially put a stop to it once and for all

This yr, or rather last yr... marks my rebirth.

on jan 1st, i decided that Its no more Ong xxx xxx steven, now its stephen Ong xxx xxx....
in 1 yr 4 mths time its gonna be stephen john xxx xxxx

and in 2 yrs time... perhaps its gonna be stephen john paul xxx xxxxx....

wat a powerful name!!!